First Day as Taoist Monk Daddy

8:21:2008

AM
Nada

My wife just pointed out that today, the day that powerhouse power sports will be getting our letter of intent to sue, a huge horizon-to-horizon tropical storm is rolling in. Mwaaaa haa haaaa!

PM
Today was a full break from all magickal/yogic activity. Not that that is a good thing or that I needed it. Today was however my first day as a full time stay at home dad. Pretty intense. I thought that I would feel like a slacker but I felt quite the opposite. I don’t know that in all of my years of doing I have felt so accomplished at the end of the day. And I don’t feel like I did anything, but I did. This was a perfect wu-wei day.

Not that there weren’t some issues that came up, as always on Wednesday and Thursday. These are the days that my grandma doesn’t work. She seems to be agitated all day and tends to lash out at me in ultra-passive aggressive ways. I suppose because I present myself as an authority to my family they feel resentment toward me or think I am an ass hole. The reason I mention this is that it plays into my development of compassionate acceptance. I am stuck in the whirlwind of the yin and the yang. On the one hand I have blossoming life, my greatest joy. On the other hand I have withering life, and a great sadness. It is dizzying. It is also very difficult for me to remain centered a lot of the time.

These practices (CEPC and Sublimation) seem to have made me much more sensitive to psychic energy. I feel dizzied by fucked up energy. It feels almost like vertigo. When my grandma has dementia spells I can almost feel the lack of inhibition in her brain, it is like a firestorm of fucked up activity. It makes the hair on my neck stand up, sends shivers down my spine, makes me dizzy, the whole bit. I would do work to shield myself form this but I think that it may end up being a good thing. I feel like it may be good to have a sense, or to know, when this is going to take place. My wife actually began picking it up in this way before I did.

This whole thing is difficult for me because I love my grandmother. But, she is not who she was. She is at the point that without medicine and medical intervention she would be dying if not dead. This is where our social fear of death has perpetuated itself. Death is not supposed to be this great pain, this scary ass dementia filled disorientation. The body is supposed to just shut down and die. Now we keep the body alive WAY longer than it would naturally be alive and the brain begins to go. Perhaps we are supposed to die before we become insane. How horrid a death to die confused and scared. How noble a death to wonder off into the wilderness and experience your last rites as a shamanic journey, a vision quest, ones last initiation.

I will probably be touchign on this thanatology more often as time passes. So Perhpas I will publish the last paper I wrote in grad school. Yeah, I will do that in a jiffy.

NOTE: (this is not in off-line journal) It is interesting to me that I am working with such a sexually oriented yoga and energy with my Taoism, and dealing with the dying in my care taking. I need to do some work with Thanateros. Never have I experienced the two as one in quite this real a capacity.